I don’t even remember what I was thinking when I first came up with this line. I do know we were in a much better life situation when I was coming up with some of my clever headlines for blog post titles. Nothing could have prepared me for what the last few weeks have thrown at Steph and I.
I brought an empty journal and as Steph would say, way more pens than anyone could reasonably need, much less use. My intention was to document the days after her labor, and the sleepless days and nights after we began caring for our newborn. Again, nothing could have prepared me for what we’ve been through so far. And no, that journal was never used as intended.
While I don’t want to go into everything we’ve been through, and those that have been filled in I know will understand why, I do want to say that we’ve been given way more than a fucking lemon. I don’t even want to share what’s been going on, but I do know that Steph and I have been fairly transparent with those we talk to about what life has been like for us in the past.
Right now Steph lays in a hospital bed- I think its been a total of 3 weeks now. I stopped counting after the first couple of days, much less the first few surgeries. Mind you she has a long history of surgeries, now over 20. Its probably not completely healthy, but I’ve been in the same room as her for all except for one of the nights when her transfer didn’t happen when we thought it was going to. Thankfully God moved my parents to come help us out which I will forever be grateful for.
I’m now realizing that much of this post is probably going to feel like I’m rambling all over the place, mostly I think because that’s what it feels like my brain is doing. Its been exhausted, refreshed, and then exhausted again. There have been so many complicated situations we never could have prepared for in these past few weeks. Just when I feel like I have something figured out, something else unexpected happens.
We’re barely beginning to feel loss that no one should ever have to feel, though for some reason God has placed us here. Yes, I do get confused, frustrated, angry, scared, upset, all the emotions. I don’t know why He’s done this. I do know He has a plan, though quite frankly He already knows I think it sucks. His plan is perfect, but its not easy.
One of the most therapeutic things for me so far has been getting a heavy ruck on my back and heading outside, whether it be with guys from my unit, or with my family, and just getting some work in. I know there aren’t any expectations for me right now other than to make sure I try my best to take care of myself, but I have also realized that one of the more healing things for me to do other than make music is to ruck. Feeling the burn might just help take my mind off the situation right now. I don’t know for sure, but I do know it feels good. Its not like I’m doing my normal rucking for time standards, its more of time under load. I think part of it is being close to a piece of what makes me enjoy being part of my unit. We push each other to be better, we push ourselves to be better, we lead the way from the front, we take it upon ourselves to create the path when one doesn’t exist. We mow down everything in front of us that tries to stop us from succeeding.
Right now, its been those from my unit, family, and friends helping me to work through those barriers. And I am forever grateful for the supports we’ve already had from them. There is so much more to process, probably will take a lifetime to fully process, but for now I look forward to when we are ahead of much of this, and to when we will one day be able to hold our family in our arms once again in heaven.
Once again, to those who know, please keep those prayers coming, and to those scratching their heads wondering what the hell I’m even talking about, prayers are appreciated. Now isn’t the time to share details quite yet, but for me to try and process just a little. I’m a little amazed I’m even able to get this much out, but I know its good for me to start getting some of this out of my head and into the open, for whatever that’s worth.
I don’t feel like my faith is wavering right now. Admittedly I haven’t felt much like praying for a long time, until we were getting ready to head to finally head to the hospital. Once again, just lots of attempting to process everything that’s going on. Its been a fucking rough journey so far, and hopefully the physically rough part is near the end, at least for the moment. Its the emotional part that’s been the bitch, and I know will be very soon again.
For now, I try to rest the best I can in knowing that God doesn’t intend for us to go through life alone, but to be surrounded in His love through family, friends, and other support systems. Thank you so far to all that have reached out, whether by phone, text, care package, whatever. It has been felt, and continues to be felt. I can’t wait to be back at it amongst the best in my unit, doing what we’ve proven we’re capable of, but for right now I strive to find contentment in my current calling, and thankful that I don’t have to choose at the moment.
Before I finish this, feel free to share as you like. I realize its not the most pleasant read. Unfortunately not everything in life is pleasant, but that doesn’t mean it should be held back.
‘Til next time…
Livin' The Schmidty Lyf 
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