I was hoping to write this last night, but my body said it needed rest more than to write. I’m learning that I have to pay more attention to what my body is telling me, much like Steph has always been very in tune to what her body tells her. Lately, that has been to get outside for some fresh air, even if only for 5 minutes.
These outings have been a literal breath of fresh air to her. She hasn’t always been able to go outside, but even rolling around the indoor walkways above the streets so she gets a break from her room has been a godsend. It has taken some learning her limits as far as how fast to go, where the big bumps are in the hallway, and so on, but has been well worth the effort.
We’ve been learning some new things about pain medication and how the different families of them interact with the body, as well as the limits the body has as far as how much of some medication the body can have before damage is caused. I suppose you know you’ve been in the hospital too long when you learn these things. It has after all been more than a month unfortunately. Despite the length, Steph has been making great strides in her PT, in being able to do some of the most basic tasks that we “normal” peeps take for granted- brushing teeth, wiping her face, being able to sip from a cup. The fact that she can get out of bed and use the walker on own is nothing short of a massive step forward. God is indeed good, and yet I’m still trying to wrap my head around being thankful for our current situation.
I suppose I should touch a bit more on that last bit. It absolutely sucks ass being in our current situation, and we are both extremely thankful that things didn’t go worse than they have. As my neighbor said, I’m living his fucking nightmare. Ok, I’ll admit I spiced up the verbiage a bit, but as Steph has really begun processing the situation these last few days, I admit that its forcing me to dwell on moments from the past month that I wish I could permanently erase from my memory. No one should ever have to go through that shit. Its probably been more painful having to relive a lot of it to walk Steph through the timeline than it was when I was initially processing it all on my own. Its true what I read recently- spouses process traumatic events differently, and that includes at a different pace. Our relationship is very strong, and while Steph has said she’s thankful I’ve stuck by her side, she already knows there’s no fucking way I’d ever even think of leaving. I can’t even say if its because of our “old school” wedding vows, but knowing that there are couples out there that split because of things like this just blows my mind.
Mind you, it does take a lot more than I thought it would to walk her through everything from the very beginning. I see Gretchen’s beautiful face sleeping in my arms as I tell Steph about waiting for her to be brought back to the room after the emergency surgery. I think about sitting in the ICU waiting room not knowing if I was losing both of my precious babies. That was perhaps the longest I think 2-3 hours of my life (I don’t actually know how long it was). I will forever be thankful for all the family, coworkers, and pastors that came to simply sit with me. That is something I will never be able to repay. Going from what is supposed to be one of the most joyous events in life turning into the most tragic and not understanding why. That’s something I think I’ve been able to come to terms with likely never knowing why, but instead looking forward to when Steph and I finally meet Gretchen once again in heaven. That gives me some solace for when my mind slips to all the life events I’ll never get to have with her: her first word, first step, intimidating the boys that are gutsy enough to want to ask her out on a date, walking her down the aisle. All those things I didn’t think about until it was too late.
Even now I find my body wanting to tear up. It effing sucks. I never cared if we were going to have a boy or girl. I was overjoyed at simply being at this point in pregnancy after so many loses early on. Those we have developed deeper relationships with know the struggles we’ve had for the last 10 years. To finally have been at this point was nothing short of a miracle, so to have that torn away so unexpectedly I think is what makes processing it so much more shitty. We know there’s a reason whether we like it or understand it. We know God works in ways beyond our imagination and understanding. We cling to the hope that we will be reunited with our precious Gretchen one day in heaven. So many things.
Going back to the girl thing. Holy cow am I all over the place. She’s the perfect little girl. The daughter I wish I could raise. All the mistakes and learning along the way. The adventure. I won’t get to experience any of that with Gretchen. Yes it friggin makes me tear up, something I try to let me body do as I know it helps me process and cope. I know holding back and closing up the emotions won’t do me any good. When we were getting closer to the due date I was starting to think about things like the birds and the bees talk that would eventually come, and didn’t know how that would go with having a girl. There were all sorts of other things I thought about like that, but all I really knew is that I would love that girl so much, and make sure she always knew it. And I know she does. It’s just a bit harder to think about that knowing I can’t wrap my arms around her and tell her in person.
As we get closer to when we’ll eventually get the news that we’re being discharged, I do worry about what that transition will be like. We’re currently waiting to hear that a rehab facility will both be available and covered by insurance. There are still goals Steph has to meet before she’ll be discharged, so there is time. Its the transition from the rehab facility to home that I worry about. I know Steph will be in a much better place physically, though its still easy to worry that for some strange reason they try to push to fast with things. All of the medical personnel have been amazing in their care for Steph and her needs, with very few exceptions, so I do slowly find it easier and easier to get the rest I need to be there for her when she needs me, just don’t ask her about the number of times I’ve slept through alarms set to help make sure she got pain meds earlier on in her treatment. I’ve evidently been sleeping like a rock when my body needs it.
Caring for myself has been something that hasn’t come as easily, though I think I’m slowly getting better at it. Throwing a ruck on my back and getting after it with a good podcast has been a salve to my soul. Nothing like redlining the heart rate for an extended period of time. Hearing the stories of guys that have gone before me is a true inspiration, and a good distraction.
We’re winding down after another good day of milestones. Who knew the commode could be so exciting. Steph is slowly getting wound down for the night, and I’m doing my best to not worry too much about what the night might hold for us. In just a bit we’ll say the Lord’s Prayer and Luther’s Evening Prayer together as the final bow to be tied over the evening, and then I’ll kiss Steph good night as her body slips into the much needed rest it will get tonight. All of this to finish off another day in the hospital, one day closer to being healed. It certainly is a journey, and unfortunately it will be much longer that either of us care for, but we have each other and are surrounded by more support than I think either of us even knows, so thank you to all for your support so far, and for your continued support moving forward.
‘Til next time…
Livin' The Schmidty Lyf 
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