Damn. I know people mean well and such, but damn. Its fucking hard to accept help. I should be able to take care of myself and my wife, do the cooking, cleaning, watch after the pups, make it in for at least a few hours of work. In reality that isn’t the case. I’ve learned that I can’t do it all, even though I’d like to say I can.
I know I shouldn’t feel like it, but its somewhat humiliating to me to not be able to cook all my meals. It’s such a relief when people have brought food over when I was originally planning on making something and too worn out to, so while I suck at saying it in person, to everyone thats helped out, especially without my wife or I asking, thank you. We both truly appreciate it.
At the beginning of all this, a lot of people were reaching out asking how they could help, and that was pretty overwhelming. I had just lost my baby girl, and almost lost my wife. Quite frankly the last thing I was capable of doing was thinking about what I needed. Oxygen and sleep. Those were probably the only things that registered for me. I still often have a hard time figuring out what I need as far as help. It’s a wonder I’ve even been able to think about some of the programs my work has in place to help people in tough situations.
While I do still struggle, I do feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. Some of the programs my work has in place will eventually help, but I do have to get through the process of applying to these programs and enrolling my wife in them. It takes time, and feel rather draining in-process, but I know I’ll get some amount of relief. I don’t know exactly what amount that will be, but I’ll take anything at this point.
Now that I write that it kinda feels desperate. I wouldn’t say I’m that, but I definitely have some learning to do in terms of how to take care of myself, and when to get rest. This is where I’ve begun to appreciate my wife and her suggesting that I come take naps next to her during the day when I’m worn out.
Appreciation. Different people show it in different ways. I chose to show it during the hairiest parts of this journey by profusely thanking the doctors and surgeons that quite frankly saved Steph’s life. I did it by not blaming her OB, but by thanking her for doing what she knew was best to keep Steph safe. I showed it by helping the nurses and techs however I could while we were at the hospital, usually by helping shift Steph for changes, helping change her positions, or cleaning up our spills.
I really don’t know how else to show my appreciation for all that have been praying for Steph and I this entire time other than to say thank you here. Thank you for not giving up, for pushing through despite it being so long. We still have a long way to go, and many more people that I will likely have opportunities to show my appreciation for. For now, I’m going to attempt to show my appreciation for all that have allowed me to get rest when I can by turning in for the night.
‘Til next time…
Livin' The Schmidty Lyf 
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