For some reason when I woke up yesterday to give Steph meds, this song was stuck in my head. And ironically it popped in there again this morning. Really not sure why, as when I though about it, it seemed to me to be an easy song to write when you don’t have jack shit going on to make you struggle. It is a song our church sings a fair amount, and I really do enjoy playing it when I’ve helped lead, but damn, it really hits differently now.
I did not plan on putting this video in my post, but it seemed fitting. Ironically, I don’t often feel like I have a firm foundation, and in some ways it feels even more fragile as I’ve tried to work on supporting my wife and myself in this journey of healing. It’s seemed like the more I try to utilize the resources work provides, the more push-back I get. Some of the most crucial help we could get seems so far away with all the paperwork and processes that “have” to be gone through. Heaven forbid one form has a singular box filled out incorrectly.
At this point I’m living in a bit of limbo. Its even taken me forever to write this post. Admittedly I’m gonna cut it short cause I keep coming back to it and it never seems to finish itself. Maybe thats the point of this one. It might never feel finished, like everything is slipping away, etc etc, but no matter how I feel or how desperate the situation, Christ is my firm foundation. Now, ask me on a daily basis if I’m likely to admit that or say that in the thick of it, and I probably won’t even remember this being sleep deprived, but deep down it seems I do know this and cling to it.
Sorta referencing that, a good friend of mine called me, I can’t remember if it was a week after things spiraled out of control, or a month after. What I do remember is him being worried that everything thats happened would drive me away from my faith. He also just didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to add to what he thought was a constant bombardment of people calling to check in and such. What I would say to that is, in what my wife and I have gone through, please don’t ever hesitate to reach out to people you know are hurting. The last thing they are thinking to do is to reach out for help and encouragement. Take away that decision from them, because chances are they don’t have the strength to make that decision, to make that phone call. It will mean the world to them, no matter how often you talk.
The other side of that is, yes, sometimes I wonder if things would be easier if I just walked away from my faith. If I just told God to go screw himself. That why the fuck would he do this to people who have done nothing but try to serve him as best they know how. I’ll probably never know the answer to that, but sometimes I wonder if it’d make it a little easier to get through things if I did know, thought the flip side is that maybe it’d make me want to walk away if I did know the answer to that question.
So, I guess regardless, yes, he is my firm foundation. Most of the time I don’t think I have any friggin’ clue why, but there you go.
‘Til next time…
Livin' The Schmidty Lyf 
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