Ironically this is the same tagline of a military school. In this case though, I wanted to preface things a little as the shit I was processing last night working on my shower was hitting me way fucking heavier than I ever thought it would. I usually try to look on the brighter side of things, but I wasn’t able to this time.
It started off with me learning how to do the job from my neighbor who has been completely redoing our master bathroom so it’ll be much more accessible for Steph once she gets home. I started going to town on the walls in what will become our new shower, and decided to listen to music. I struggled with choosing between a couple rap artists I enjoy, tried a blues guitarist, and eventually settled on TobyMac (fair warning). Holy fuck. Within 2 songs I had to stop working. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I can only assume that I’ve been suppressing a lot of shit to cope with being there for Steph in the hospital, because knowing why TobyMac wrote some of the songs I was listening to tore me up. He lost his son not that many years ago and wrote the songs I was hearing to cope and walk through what he was feeling. I thought I had already dealt with that.
It’s one thing to sing about/talk about trusting God in the difficult times. It’s a whole other thing to actually do it. In that time in our bathroom all I cared to tell God is fuck you. It took so long for Steph and I to get pregnant and then for her to be able to carry to birth and have that ripped away from her. Fuck you God. The music that would normally be a comfort just brought back all of the memories of 2 months ago. I had temporarily gotten lost in the mudding work I was doing, and just got yanked back in time. I wasn’t planning on it, but switching to listening to Disturbed actually helped the situation.
A close friend of mine called a few days after things had initially started, and had expressed that he was worried that whats happened would cause me to walk away from my faith. Not gonna lie, maybe that would make some of this shit easier to deal with. No, I do believe God is working through this, and he is taking care of us. Steph has told me she feels like Job right now. I haven’t lost faith, but whether its okay to do or God approves or whatever, right now in that time at home and even sometimes here at the hospital as I continue this, I’m calling God out on this bullshit.
The long, sleep deprived nights here at the hospital are nothing. Give me that and Steph crying in pain all day long. Just not the reliving everything else. Fuck that.
I get there’s a time for mourning, celebrating, all those different things. Just let me skip the reliving. Skip the getting jerked the fuck around because she was classified differently because she had a heartbeat but didn’t breathe. Fuck you system.
Steph is doing too well physically to qualify for acute rehab at an outpatient facility, which is both good and bad. Mainly it means I have to change gears completely it terms of how to prepare as Steph gets closer to being discharged, though we still don’t know when that’s going to be. More coordinating with social workers, OT and PT teams, and generally getting the info to prepare for life outside the hospital walls.
While I prefaced this post a bit, I realized long ago that I’m not gonna apologize for language. Once again, there’s a time. Right now its time to get frustration out, scream at the world, all the things. While in many ways I feel like life isn’t fair, I more so chose to focus forward and not waste the precious energy I do have on the woe is me bullshit and work on being there for Steph and the pups, and admittedly trying not to think too much about the beautiful girl I have to wait to meet again till I die, because when that happens I feel like I’m taking 10 steps back rather than moving forward.
That was rough, so to those that stuck through it, cool and thanks. I don’t post these to get pity or have people feel bad for us or anything like that. I do it simply to share how I’m really doing. To me that’s something people ask and don’t really want to know how you’re actually doing, but I chose to give the real answer. Life fucking sucks right now, but I’m trying to focus on what I can do and how I can support Steph, and not waste energy on things that won’t help the situation.
‘Til next time…
Livin' The Schmidty Lyf 
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